Wow - we spent a lot of time this past week and typed a lot of words about marriages that ended in divorce and remarriages. How about a post filled with positive suggestions on how to make marriage work?
I will start by saying that I think three things that are helpful in marriage are:
- An active faith in Jesus Christ - being equally yoked with your partner in your faith.
- Waiting till marriage to become sexually active.
- Having a joint plan for life, flexible but focused, especially in areas like finance and family planning.
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I don't mean to belabor this point regarding remarriages. Yes, the topics that are presented here truly are wonderful steps to take prior to being married. But,therefore with so many marriages & future marriages being remarriages, do we then just give up in making them "succesful"? I think since Adam & Eve, we've fallen, let's focus on steps to save those of us who are fallen(everyone that I know)and have chosen freely to follow Christ to become succesful also. Teaching is good, BUT application is where most need it in the foxholes we are in.
I will give some positive traits that I feel can help make a marriage "successful". Though I will as a provoking question of- WHAT is a successful marriage? Simply staying together? (yes this does have it's value) Just throwing that out there for reply.
Males -we know we are called to Love our wives as Christ loves us, so there's a LOT for us to do to satifsy that command.
Wives -Everyday things wives could improve upon: Affirm us for those things THAT we do right on a daily basis and those attributes that we DO contribute to our marriages,and Don't devote as much time in pointing out our flaws. Make your pleas for our help, but don't Nag like the constant dripping on a tin roof. Be our Helpmates not our supervisors. We seek and desire afirmation from you, as as wives sooooo much,because the World does not give that to us.
To me, these are things that can aide in and contribute to making a successful marriage.
I never suggested that the three items I listed were the only suggestions. There are lots of others like.
4. Husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the church
5. Wives respecting and submitting to their husbands as unto the Lord.
6. Caring for your partner's needs before your own.
7. Unplanned cards, flowers, night's out, and sweet words for no apparent reason
8. Husbands being sweet and not expecting anything in return.
9. Caring about what the other person cares about.
10. Dating even after the wedding.
I could go on - how about some others.
A successful marriage is not simply one that lasts, but that ain't bad. A successful marriage for me is one where both partners feel affirmed, fulfilled and alive. Where two people are living out their dreams and giving each other support as they do so. It is one where God is glorified and His will is done.
How's that?
One more thing - folks - how about being positive in your responses. You may not agree with me or another poster but give your insights without telling everyone you think someone else has it wrong.
The tone needs to improve please. I have had to reject four or five posts lately because they were very negative.
Thanks - I love debate but won't let people slam others to make their point. The political post was especially negative. We can do better!
I can't say I know ALL of the steps to a successful marriage. What I CAN tell you is that Christ has got to be the center of it. Too many married people (that I know) tend to look for advice from friends and family when "things get tough." I believe that's a mistake for a few reasons;
1) Those friends and family members we seek advice from are almost always going to side with us regardless if we are dead wrong. I don't know many people who have friends that aren't on "their side" because if that wasn't the case they wouldn't be our friends.
2) Those friends and family we speak to will NEVER get the WHOLE story. All they will get is YOUR story from YOUR point of view in YOUR wods with YOUR feeleings. Its very tough to give advice in a particular situation when one does not have all the information. I'm sure we've all heard the old saying "There are always 3 sides to a story, YOURS,THEIRS, and the TRUTH."
3) Those friends and family will hear you tell them of a bad situation and NEVER be able to let it go. So many times I hear stories about family members who DESPISE someones spouse or significant other based on an incident that happened sooo long ago that the couple has not only gotten past it, but have even forgotten about it.
When a couple goes through tough times you need to bring God into that situation because without him you've already set yourself up for failure. We as humans have realize that we can't do it alone. If God is not our "foundation" then our "home" will soon crumble.
So with that being said I would have to say that there may be only one step to a successful marriage. Keeping God first in ALL that you do pretty much keeps you "stepping" in the right direction.
Just my 2 cents...
Wes, great post my friend. Right on point!
I believe that a successful marriage requires hard work. You do not simply fall out of bed and have a successful marriage. Two different people require effort to be on the same page.
Simply because two persons are Christians (equally yoked as Pastor Ray suggests) is not a promise that their marriage will be healthy.
Healthy, successful marriages, first, second or whatever, require effort. The person who is not willing to work at their relationship with Jesus and their partner will not have a healthy marriage.
I repeat - I know many blessed second marriages. My point was simply that you can only do firsts once! I was not trying to say that second marriages cannot be blessed.
Forgive me for any confusion. The statement was from about a decade ago. I still believe that we should prayerfully consider our first, we only have one set of firsts. I also believe that God can forgive and heal us and make seconds pretty exciting! And Blessed!
Having just celebrated our 44th anniversary and looking forward to the next 44, I can only say that making marriage work is a two sided effort. Not every day is a great or good day but sticking with the committment you both made before God is essential.
Choose to make God the center of your relationship, choose to love, choose to forgive, choose to forget, choose to care, choose to not make comparisons with other spouses, choose to look for the good and not the failure. Choose to be honest, choose to be supportive, choose to be faithful, choose to be vulnerable.
I could go on, we make choices each day and some of the hardest choices are to love and forgive the unlovely and the unforgivable. Don't follow the world's flawed portrayal of marriage and relationships.
God has changed my heart and attitude on many things including my husband and I am sure he would say the same about me.
I don't condemn those who have divorced. I can only walk my mile in my shoes and I speak for myself. Time and events have changed me and my perspective on life and people. The only constant we have is Jesus and His grace, mercy, love and forgiveness. His strength for each and every day and situation.
Without Him none of my relationships would work. I am a flawed person and need to keep on asking God for the ability to overcome my own failings. In reality marriage has to be worked at, investment has to be made, but the rewards are wonderful.
Elizabeth
Rev. Ray, I have a question regarding successful marriages. My husband and I are still newlyweds. I agree with you that it is better to save sex for marriage but unfortunately neither of us did. We both want our marriage to be holy and acceptable to God but I don’t know what it means to have a sexually pure relationship. Since we are not each other’s first sexual partner, how can we now be pure in God’s eyes? I know this is a racy issue and I don’t intend it to be vulgar. However, I need to know if there are certain sexual acts that would displease God.
The problem that I am having is that my husband wants me to do certain things that I am not comfortable with. He used to watch a lot of pornography and he said he has given it up. I don't believe that it is completely out of his system. Even if he doesn’t watch it anymore, I’m not sure he doesn’t think about it. It makes it hard to believe that it is out of his system because he will occasionally watch music videos and read certain magazines that are inappropriate. It is very difficult for me to believe that the scantily clad women gyrating in the videos or posed in the magazines do not have the same effect as the pornographic movies.
I don’t necessarily have a problem with the act itself, I just can’t help but think that certain acts excite him more because of his history with pornography. I truly want to be a Godly wife and I want to please my husband. How can I give myself to him completely without worrying that he is thinking about some vile and vulgar thing or person from his past? I have tried talking to him about it but I don’t feel like he can be truly honest with me. I don’t believe that he will admit it if he fantasizes about other women when we are together. If this is true for him, how can he be cleansed from his past experiences and his perverted view of sex? If I am the one who needs to change, then what should I do to change my perspective on this so I don’t feel dirty when we engage in certain acts?
See a new post about sexuality and marriage. Too much for a single post on this thread.
Just a few of the things we heard before marriage or have learned over 18 years:
1. Commitment is vital. This is permanent. "Hand in hand or in handcuffs, we're doing this together."
2 We won't always FEEL loving toward each other. Each morning we must make a choice to behave in a loving way. Feeling often follows behavior.
3. Try to be your spouse's biggest fan. This can be challenging for those of us who do not have the gift of encouragement, but we need to make the effort. For some reason it comes naturally with the children, but less so with my husband.
I believe a sermon series and a teaching series on marriage is needed.
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