I recently made a statement that one of the keys to a successful marriage was for both partners to wait until marriage to become sexually active. That is the ideal. Unfortunately mail has been coming in to suggest that many do not get the ideal. I wanted to address some of the questions addressed to me recently (coming in posts I didn't post).
--What if we didn't wait?
--What is an acceptable request from one partner to another?
--How do you get past the past?
--What impact does pornography have on the marriage?
--How can I forgive infidelity?
--How can I improve my attitude toward sexual relations with my spouse?
These are some tough questions and I will try to give some solid answers. I will not cover them all I know.
Paul pleaded with God to remove something from his life/body and pleaded over and over. God didn't remove the item, to our knowledge, but did tell Paul that His grace was sufficient for all he would face.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
God's grace can help us face any sin or weakness, past or present. God can also help us forgive our partner. Their repentance and new walk is very important in this process. We do not need to live in fear or guilt of the past. Satan is the one who tries to keep us in the past. God will forgive us. The issue often is forgiving ourselves.
Paul writes about sexual behavior in 1 Corinthians 6. Sunday I quoted 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 in my sermon. 19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. I centered on the fact that we were bought and paid for, called to offer our bodies as living sacrifices. The verse before these Paul writes this: 1 Corinthians 6:18 - Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Sexual sin can be devastating because it involves our whole being. Yet, because sex involves the whole being, when shared as God planned, in the context of marriage, it can be a fantastic experience.
Paul then writes about marriage. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 - 1 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Some believe that Paul was married at one time. According to Jewish law, to be a Pharisee he would have been married. But something seemed to happen to his wife. Either as a strict Jew she left him when he went astray in the sect of Christianity (from the Jewish point of view), or she died, or something else happened. Paul seems to present himself as single in this passage and in other places and claims that one can give more of him/herself to God if they are not married. Probably part of where the Catholics get their view on singleness for their priests and nuns.
Paul gives a word for the married in the 7th chapter. He writes that it is good to marry, if we cannot control our sexual desires. He writes that one man should have one wife and one woman should have one husband, God's design. This was God's plan from the beginning but many in Biblical days didn't follow this practice. The Bible is neat; it reports warts and all. What the Bible reports people doing is not the Bible saying that what they did was following God's command. God many times used them in spite of their sinful behavior. God forgave them an used them for His glory.
Sexuality is an important part of marriage as Paul writes: 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
It seems to suggest that we belong to each other, even sexually. Having said that, sexuality should be mutually satisfying. I say this because of the question that came to me concerning what is acceptable sexual activity for a husband and wife. Unfortunately some seek their satisfaction without concern for their partner's. Still others are corrupted by past experiences with pornography, which presents a very tainted picture of sexuality, a very worldly view. This can cause a desire that is unnatural or uncomfortable for the other partner. Sexuality is God's gift and to be enjoyed by married couples.
My blanket suggestion, dangerous without individual cases, would be that sexuality between a husband and wife has no bounds except what is acceptable to the couple. If a partner feels uncomfortable by this relationship, they will not find fulfillment in it and it WILL affect the marriage relationship. Having said that - both partners should desire to please the other.
I know I will get comments - I did not have time to cover everything - nor did I try. I tried to answer some general questions. I gave it a shot. I also know this is pretty in your face stuff but two posters had serious questions and wouldn't come forth so I had to address them this way.
If this is offensive, please forgive me.
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When Quoting Scripture Inflicts Harm
6 years ago
4 comments:
God's first words on sexuality are found in this passage: "Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:26-27)
Our sexual differences arise from our being made in the image of God. This sexuality mirrors, to some extent, God's tripartite nature (i.e. the Trinity), his love, and his creativity (e.g procreation, forging one live out of two separate lives). Because the three Persons of the Godhead are ONE, we are meant to be one in marriage to proclaim that unity in plurality, just as the church does the same. Sexuality is a BIG part of being human, and I'm glad that Pastor Ray has taken the bull by the horns and spoken frankly about it.
Anything that threatens the unity of a marriage threatens this marriage image of God's unity. Although abstaining from relations is certainly permissible by joint consent, it can lead to temptations that can undermine the marriage (1 Cor 7:5-6). We are expressly warned to avoid such temptations. Therefore, sometimes we participate in sexual relations, not because we desire it, because our spouse needs it; in so doing, we demonstrate that unconditional love we treasure so much - in this case, love being not a warm feeling but an act of the will to help another.
The scary part of marriage is that we must be naked before our spouse in all ways: physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. We must reveal everything, warts and all, to experience complete unity. This takes trust, and all trust-breakers must be confessed, forgiven, and turned a blind eye to. So naked, we can admit our needs, our desires, our concerns, and our love without fear. Perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment. (See 1 John 4:18.) Without fear, we become bold to freely receive and freely give, to become better images of God Himself.
Scripture is largely silent on what is specifically "allowed" in marriage, though the Song of Songs implies some. The most explicit passage I know is found elsewhere: "Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer--may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love." (Proverbs 5:15-19) I think whatever allows both spouses to feel this way towards each other, to enhance the image of God they convey, is most appropriate, as long as they both are pleased to do so.
(Frankly, this culture is sex-obsessed in all the wrong ways, and Christian responses to this culture often dwell on the sinful aspects without affirming the positive ones. Consequently, with sin being the sole focus, the concept of sexuality degenerates into something far less than God intended and the very thought of it engenders sinful connotations, not God-glorifying ones. May we live the truth in Christ, that the world see the truth and not a lie.)
A good book on this subject: The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason. I apologize for the long diatribe - this subject hit a nerve.
Thank you, Ray, for opening this topic. Sex is such a precious gift, a fabulous creation of a loving God. Yet we so often think Christians shouldn't talk about it. I believe the Lord smiles upon a married couple acting out their love. I also believe He is saddened when we make light of His gift, take it for granted, and often misuse it. We so often tell our children to take good care of their gifts. How much more should we appreciate and care for the marriage relationship that God has designed?
When we (or our spouses) have misused this precious gift, we often suffer painful consequences. These can arise immediately or many years later (or both). Children conceived outside of marriage, broken trust, comparison with previous experience (or pornography), or sexually transmitted diseases are some consequences I can think of that don't just go away after one has repented of the sin and been forgiven.
Ray, can you give any suggestions for coping with the pain and regret that crop up when dealing with the consequences of one's own or one's spouse's sins that occurred BEFORE they were together?
Tom, I think you hit several nails on the head there!
I just wanted to add another book that is very good on the topic. I heard the authors interviewed by Dr. Dobson on the radio. It is called "Red Hot Monogamy"
Check it out
Thank you for addressing this subject- The world certainly is very quick to address it (but give people the wrong idea). The church is very quick to avoid it (but needs to give people the right idea). Needless to say- I was not at all offended by what you wrote but was happy to see an honest and God fearing response to what I believe to be one of life's greatest struggles. This is a very raw subject that usually gets covered over- that I needed to see. But not just me- my family, the church, the world we live in needs to see what sexuality IS and what it IS NOT!! We need to be able to talk about sex with our children and not let it go, in our churches and not let people hide in their fear but be able to address the reality and gravity of the situation. God is so good...His Grace is sufficient. I wish & want everyone to know that. Thank you.
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